While there, I'm told that a Watch and Wait approach will be taken as I'm not showing symptoms and chemo will only make me sicker. They will get bigger and then get smaller depending on what you're doing. So...we'll see you in 3 months...try not to focus on it. Yeah right!!!
All I can do now, is focus on it. Feeling the lymph nodes all day everyday. Are they getting bigger? There's another one? What does that mean? I feel fine, why is this happening to me? I'm a good person, what did I do to deserve this? I feel off today, does that mean I'm getting sick? Do I have a fever? I sweated in bed last night ...is that my cancer progressing to the next stage? Wtf? Why can't I simply focus on life instead of this? Needless to say over the last 5 months I've been driving myself insane and into a moderate depression. No amount of talking to me could get me to stop focussing on those growing lymph nodes. Which in turn was probably making them grow.
Circumstances such as work and weather kept me away from my 3 month follow-up until last week. When I went in asking to have one of the lymph nodes removed because it's rubbing on my jaw and quite painful at times. The doctor's solution...Chemo! I of course had a million questions, why now if you first told me that unless I had "the other" symptoms it would be a watch and wait? How does it work? What are the alternatives? What can I do on top of that to make sure I stay healthy? Nutrition? Supplements? Exercise? The only answer I got was, chemo, chemo chemo. (I wonder if the doctors get a kickback for signing up cancer patients to chemo?) Regardless...that doctor had no answers. And I don't think it was because he didn't want to give them, but because he literally didn't know the answers.
Which boggles my mind.
So as he's standing there, offering no other solutions, with one foot out the door, not bothering to sit down and talk to me. I shut down.
Let's go. I told my husband. I'm done here. I need time to think about this.
So...I spent the weekend thinking about it. Really, already knowing that I was going to do it. The remission rate for my cancer is 80% for a minimum of 5 years. Who wouldn't want to be cancer free for 5 years and not have to worry? Duh!
So next weekend I start my chemo, 8 rounds, once every 3 weeks...and yes, it'll suckballs. But once I'm done, and my hair grows back, I'll have the knowledge that sharing my story might help someone out there, going through the same thing. Being able to identify with my inconvenient journey.
So stay tuned for more posts...cause like it or not, you're ALL coming on this journey with me :) No pity please!!! Only real smiles and positivity!!!